I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She's the barista slut.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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