I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead