I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha