In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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