I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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