new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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