I like my sex mixed with concussions.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He shit in the fireplace
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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