i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
