What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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