i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
