the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My feet surprised me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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