Yo dont text me then not text me
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
