My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
