Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
