He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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