I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
