A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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