sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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