Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
