Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
