3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
