Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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