Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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