She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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