i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
