My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
