She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
