I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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