My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
