Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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