I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
