I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
