I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
