i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
