the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
