Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
