he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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