My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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