I only kidnapped one of them. chill
now i know why i became what i already was.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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