I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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