where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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