I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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