The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
