i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
