I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
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