Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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