Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
