your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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