So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
