just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
