We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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