I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
