The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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