Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Houston, we have a blender
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
