The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
